the lights go off and on...

I never understand why people who treat you like snot or who carry an obivious front of jealousy will be the first to immediatly turn around and look to join forces with you when someone is in need of a serious hand. It is poor character traits like this that continue to really dishearten my trust with a huge portion of the environment. Part of me feels that these people are easily frightened and their cold exterior will dry in the faucet fast when it comes down to a serious threat. Another part of me feels like it is just another example of them using people to their own advantage, because they are not witty or clever enough to conquer a problem by themself. The worst part of the problem is not being able to put people in their place when you have the oppurtunity to call them out in front of every legit party. It's the wisest choice to avoid that confrontation, so the better people around you will not get upset in a desperate time, and that everyone can remain focused on what the red alerted issue is. I'am just so over fairweather individuals, and would just like to dispose of them once and for all. I have too much work ahead of me where I do not need this nonsense. Seriously, what the fuck!?!? Maybe I make the morally right choice too much. I dunno, more music, less everything else...

designs of definition...

I gotta say, I really appreciate my creative palate. Not to mention I back the fuck out of my own personal taste as well. Since I got home from all the insanity this summer I have been attending alot of music events. Some hardcore, and some NOT hardcore at all. I've been creating alot of intresting pieces since I finally touched base back into my own studio. Alot of what I have been charting out has really been completely stormed out from many belted up emotions from the past 5 months that have a thicker mix than your fiercest vegan pastry batter! The moods range from quiet, to mellow, laid back, to just flat out pissed off. The bpm's vary from shade lounging , then to a subway car speed! And not only is mooding and dynamics the main priorities of sketching my ideas, but I have been putting my mind to have my drumkit actually sing. I listen back to what I lay out on just an old tascam tape recorder, and I feel like my drums patterns are delivering a vocal range throughout every measure I stir up. It definatly just slams me to the floor and wakes me up in amazement on what can come out of my capabilites. The rewarding feeling of making something so beautiful to the ear has never staled to me! You can lint on me all you want for sticking to a tascam cassette tracker, but honestly if you can make it sound fresh on that, then just imagine how your work is gonna be kicking come studio time! I can only hope these ideas will have a chance to become a reality on record very soon, or if they will ever at this point. I just don't know. I really wish I knew what was going to happen after September 20th. I'am frightened. Til then I'm just gonna keep doing my thing, while I figure out a way that I can take my friends out on the tour, as well as my favorite NYC vegan dishes.

where does the good go???

Apparently respect is looked down upon these days. It personally just makes me fucking sick, and there is no way around that! I 'am just at a tangle when I see some really legit individuals just mess with peoples heads and use them at their expense because they either ignore their bad habits, or they crack down because everyone tells them to do it to prove their territory to be "down"! No one is perfect, that is for sure, but I'am not painting on a black canvas with tar when I say that more people need to stand up and say something when they see their friends degrating themselves and others.

I 'am way amped on what I stand for. I like to think that I do what I can for the better of this world with how I present myself through my personality, my diet, my motivation, my ideas, my morals, and my honest/ to the point ethic. Yet sometimes I feel that the finger is pointed at me for giving a shit. What I'am getting at is that I quite honestly feel very divided from the hardcore sub-culture right now. It seems that it's "not cool" to stand for something, or to have a good sense of what is right and what is wrong. This does not go for everyone , I can't stress that enough, but, somewhere down the line, it seems like you will be glamorized nowadays for being a "scumbag".

2008 has been the first time in my life where I feel like I don't belong in the hardcore community. And it's fucked up because I got caught up in all of this in order to make myself a well traited human being that had creativity, diversity, intellegence, and respect for his fellow peers. Not to mention to better the ones around me. I know that many movements, communites, organizations, and such have hypocrites, spoliers, and chumps involved no matter what, but it just seemed like that disrespect was very frowned upon one time in the hardcore community, and I feel like that it just slides by in a breeze now.

Now, I still love hardcore. I can't even start a rant on praising the bands and people that I'am so stoked on. But it is what it is, and right now I feel fucking alienated that I don't want to have the attitude of a rockstar. On tour, I do not shift coat. I'am here for these reasons, to play music at 110% every night, wake up in a new city every morning, compare the local vegan cuisine to NYC's juggernaut cuisines, meet some new friends, catch up with old ones, and drink alot of coffee! THATS IT! Yet, I see so many bands turning Minor Threat into Motley Crue. I see a huge reliance on merch that only sells for the sake of selling, writing lyrics that will be worshiped cause they are what people want to here, and a complete disregard for the equality factor we have for each other, which leads people only wanting to be on the prowl for a one night stand, or a collection of sleep around stories.

It gets to the point where people will tag you guilty by association. And when I hear these absurd questions I'am asked about tour from people that were not raised on the respect factor, it makes me not even want to say that I'am in a band anymore when I'am asked! And it really just bumms me out, because I'am so proud of what I do, but lately I just feel criticised for my traits. I will continue to be in bands, and to be involoved with this as much as I can, but I just wanted to let this out cause something is definatly wrong, and I want to find my place again in this community. So please excuse me if I'am absent from upcoming events, or if I'am not in the spirts that I usually am.

sticky notes...

It's real comfortable knowing that people you really care about will continue to stick around by your side regardless of your location being miles and miles away. The years thin past you so fast, and you deal with so many fairweather individuals that only want something from you for a hot minute just for their advantage. But you also gain impeccable bonds that in some cases will grow as you move up in the game. So basically, thank you Chicago for always making me feel like I'am at home everytime I come through, I can't spit enough how much it means to me.

I needed a day like today in a matter of desperation! It's a personally edgy time for me lately, where I'am just too damn tangled with too many questions surrounding my floorplan on my next move, and it's fucking scary, I cannot lie! Since I have been coming through Chi-town on a somewhat moderate basis since 2004, I still continue to have nothing but the most javinated spirit's towards all the friendships and support I recieve in the area time and time again. And I tend to bluff it up sometimes when I say that I will use a certain expierience as an example, but only find myself to curb it and become really bratty in my structure, but once again, I 'am determined to give it another shot. Tonight only makes me look foward to coming home and just really appreciate what waits for me when I tend to get lost with my insight on what really matters. I look foward to finding my way back home geographically and most importantly, personally!

P.S. - I wear sleeves on summer nights on a main condition. Night time reaks of bitey insects, and mild breezes. Do I look fresh? Yes! But is that my main motive? Not in this case. So when you see your friend sassed up in a fresh sweater on a summer night, compliment them for their common sense, and theeennnn their style sense! It's not a bad thing, I swear!