to carry on where...

things you want but did not get, and all the times you've been upset by, unfulfilled dreams and visions and the guilt for your wrong decisions, it's so hard to pry away, pry out from under all the lies, and distractions of the world, you've seen what they can do, but you cannot see your way out ....

Some fun for thought...

I usually have a routine on a Monday schedule when I'am not on the road. It consists of a quick shift at the vet practice til noon, 1 hour of clearing my head at a downtown coffee house, and then getting to work on making some music from 2 : 15pm til wherever I end up falling on my face lllaaatttteeee at night. But sometimes your well being is quite lost like a wasp in the swarm where you just need a damn break! Today was that day! I was very limited with my rudiments on purpose today , and I decided to grab my skateboard in exchange for the 5b's. I had no destination in mind as I hit the deck. I just went wherever I wanted. I literally spent 25 minutes just soaking in what was going on. Now you must be saying, " ok , big deal, he rode a skateboard , give this slug a cookie". But check it, the sensation felt like alot more than just a bag of regressing, if anything it was a reminder of a very significant point in my timeline that is just forgotten in my routine nowadays. For the past 5 years I think I lost a huge part of me that everyone should really keep in heart, and that is just the ethic of having fun.

Outside of music, I used to spend a healthy amount of my time really involved in things I really enjoy and that kept me relaxed and even smiling. Such joints included skateboarding, art, consistant hanging out, and so forth. Unfortunatly, I had some run in's years ago that really tripped up my spirit's, and sparked me to improve myself in a single direct trait if I wanted the results I yearned for. I got so meshed into the nonsense of being so compulsive with the " metranomic proportions" (onpoint drumming) that I sort of tossed all my upbeat luxuries to the "hiatus hut" (a term to quit).

And this is a flaw that I think is obvious in my characteristics, and at least I can come clean on it. I don't have enough fun in my life. Even my main priorities that individuals will classify as amusing, theraputic, and relaxing now come off as just straight up work and a responsability. Not in the sense that I only play to get paid, but when I arrive to a show on tour, I sit at my pad and practice poems for hours pre - set time. Now don't be fooled, you must stay on top of your shit in order to be fresh, but also, you can get carried away. I think I've been red handed in that department the past few tours since I noticed a major lack in my mingling, stage diving, and ante upping. And I'am stubborn with this problem in other ways. When I read I will take assanine amounts of notes as if I'am writing an essay that will determine the outcome of the ice age. I just get so wrapped up in the cape of being captain serious with things I'am so involved with.

But back to the point, I basically spent the rest of the day at a hush. I skated some more, read a few more chapters from a read discussing the benefits of giving others a second chance, and then listened to the latest Radiohead and Wait In Vain for the pure enjoyment of my soul , not as a motive to write something quirky that I will perfect on a 4 piece. I need more days like this, it really came to my assistance to bring some attention for vast improvement. I realize that I will never break my cycle of staying disciplined musically, but I think I need to listen to my heart much more often than my B.P.M's. It would truly benefit my happiness which is at a thread line. I don't know if I will have a day devoted to fun like this again anytime soon, but at least I had today to really open up. Maybe some Bane time for 10 days will help me become "Undone with fun". But, til next time, Stay legit, and have a fresh week everyone.

I'am Me, I'am Mine....

Today was a day were you could say that I was more active than a pair of gym socks during a race up Rainer ( Rainer is a mountain in the N.W., and shit if you jogged that, you'd be far from living at ease). I officially have 2 weeks before I kickstart the season with some heavy touring, so I have decided to solidify my responsabilites now , instead of waiting the night before where my hands would be shaking out of stress more than a wind up penguin you wold win with tickets from skiball. Upon my many ventures for the daily grid, I made a stop at the post office to send off some transactions that were in the mood of departing. Upon sitting in the waiting room on line, I unexpectadly was tracked down by someone I had not seen in quite sometime. At first, I had to hold my breath from being somewhat short in my communications, but i figured at this point at my life, I should know how to act at age 24. If anything I was more determined to frame out how advanced I have become in the past years, hell even months.

I won't go into detail about who the individual was, because that is not really all that important, and chances are you may not even know of the individual. After the generic greeting of suprise, and generic expressions you snake out when you get on the nostalgic N train, some comments were followed from the individuals conversation. The person pointed out mostly on the change of my appearance. Immediatly following the comments on my wardrobe and hair, this person decided to grab my wrist and lift up my jacket to look for my X Swatch! Now for those who do not know, my X swatch was gacked in Richmond VA, and wont get into anymore detail about it because its like a cat getting hit by a car type of feeling. So anyways, then some questioning followed before I could even explain what happen to my crucial accessory. Ya know, the so called " So I guess your edge is done huh? I mean I never thought I'd see the day where I would see you trade in your Pos Top for the Oasis cut!" And as this person thought they were being funny, I was just insulted in so many ways.

Now, I' am one to take a joke, I mean I'am quite easy going and laid back, but this time, I was just not having it because he was pouring down these lame liners like niagra falls on an infant salmon. Thats where I cut in abruptly, and explained that my change in appearance would never inspire me to letting go of my morals, passion, or position. I mean who the hell said you have to aqcuire a certain look or uniform in order to be in the approval for what you stand for? I then told this bum that my edge was sharper than ever, I'am more active in my lifestyle than I ever been, and that I was just flat out offended that I would be judged by my spruce up in appearance! Now I did'nt get the point across in a heated temper, but more of a level minded , serious, and mature style, because this dude obviously was acting like the kid who would crap the sandbox in kindergarten. I then noticed that he was taken back, embarassed, and felt extremly desperate for redeeming himself.

He then explained that he was just used to witnessing the path of a fallen "edgeman" all the time. I then clarified that he apparently did not know me as well as he thought he did to ever think that I would make that choice, and that sometimes you just have to catch yourself before making an assumption. I explained that when people change , it does'nt mean that everything goes out the window, and that he should take time to think about that before taking an image and creating ones current lifestyle from the picture. I accepted his apology, and we spent a few minutes trading our current lifestyles. As I was listening to his current tales, I felt that he was unfufilled because he was in the same old routine of getting a job, grabbing a spouse, and sinking into the path of the laminated Long Island dream many get rused into persuing. I did'nt brag about my current situation, because you never do that no matter what position you are in, but he seemed very puzzled that I had grasped onto my lifestyle the way I have been, and he even congradulated me on my achievements.

Then when my turn came to mail out my fresh goods, we parted ways and wished each other luck. As I walked out of the dungeon known as the United States Postal Service, I was quite pensive about alot, and many questions stepped up to plate? Why is that we still just judge a book by its cover? Why is that we all react to change in some very bizarre ways sometimes? Why do we never take time to just keep the important qualities in mind about someone when we supposedly know them well? I dunno, I guess what I'am trying to get across is that you should really take the time to think before you make an assumption. I will admit, my wardrobe has changed a bit, and I have literally let my hair down with some extra expansion in length, but it does not by any means change the kid I'am or what I stand for. I still blast my Absolution record louder than you, I still swipe my X's knuckle to wrist with a sharpie, and i still like my coffee with soy milk and the cruelty free culinary arts. Change is not a bad thing, and it is ok to let some new air bleed into your agenda, it makes you diverse , intresting, and creative. So in others , do what you want, wear what you want, and don't let anyone decide what you are by visiual impressions!

slow down...but never, ever , stop!

Yes, it is indeed my 2nd PIB referenced title for an entry, but what is so bad about that? You tell me if you have a P.H.D in knowing it all. OOOOk, anyways, as you can see, I deleted my last entry. And why is that so in effect? Well, here is what's up. I think I definatly caught myself in a a skillet of being "selfish", and "out of character". That, and I had'nt seen a measuring cup size of sleep (a good amount) for the past 2 days. I think half of me was just in denial of being nervous for having so much on my plate for the entire summer that I decided to explode it all out into one pile of very useless information. And for that, I apologize with better intentions than a band member stealing the last soymilk from the pantry on tour. I called out sick today, and although my thermometer was feeling fresh, it was just other units I needed to nourish. I did not spend the day running around all too much. I definatly awarded myself with a nice nap, a soothing amount of coffee, and a few rotations of the Tegan And Sara DVD (hey, don't judge, whatever works ya know?)! And fortunatly, I think some results stepped on the doormat of my sanity.

I then proceeded to make a list of all the luxuries I have in my life that are making some beautiful noise. Well, ok, maybe "list" is an understatement, how about a short story! I was extremly taken back by how the final draft of my exercise resulted. Needless to say, it is proven to be a major "A.O.Q" (short for Age Of Quarrel, which is used to describe something perfect, and impeccable)! I will start with the foundation of my life, which would be the unbelievable amount of unique friends that have my back. And I think it strikes me a bit more harder than you think, because I'am not just talking about the staples that I have within a comfortable radius, but how the range of crucial kids all over the map that go beyond the call of duty to keep me in check!?! I mean, I definatly started to smack my head in shame when I realized that, while yesterday I was stating how my trust in others was in a mode of perishing. How can that be when everybody involved in my life has been nothing but positive, encouraging, and just hysterical? Wow, I was definatly put in my place, but you know what, it had to be done.

This topic then snaked into many categories that were reflected in my exercise, which is why my list turned into a masterpiece, so I'll keep it at a "thrash beat" (keep it short). I think at age 24, I definatly have expierienced alot more than I should have. I have seen the United States many times, I finally had my heart warm up to life over the pond, I have assisted to many helpless animals that need affection and care, I have developed such an incredible quality in the art that I bring to life in music, I think I'am incredibly helpful when others are in need of assistance mentally, and I think i pretty much hold it down in the department of being very down to earth, honest, caring, and well......fresh!

So I guess what I'am trying to get at is that I think I need to take more time to really just inhale what I have for the moment, and not get so wild up in whats ahead! That, and to just take some time to just relax. I think all the years of fast paced Insted records rubbed off in my metranome of thought. In other words, I can easily think too fast sometimes, and the result will end up causing me to rush my life, and leave me being stressed to the tee (which is not very proud youth might I add)! But hey, I know we all bite our tounges when we spit this out, but, "we are all human", to some extent at least. So if anything, I'am proud that I decided to take the downtime to just chase my troubles with an axe, instead of just letting them "wear fresher threads than my comforts" ( don't let the cons wear 555, and the pros left wearing old navy). So thats truly what is up! I have no reason to complain when all is said and done, and "my bad", if I had you start to worry, or if I had you thinking that I was set for a one way trip to some sessions on the crazy couch! So for now, Sieze life motherfuckers! Thanks to all of you!